Why haven’t I written for so long? It’s a question indeed, because I am full of remorse and shame. Shame because I am trying to ascend to the highest mountain, the new life, the fullness of hope the new me, the me realized, and I find myself ashamed of my sorry state.
I pine for a full me, an accepted me, accepted by all….and I am not. Many find fault with me, my actions, my requests, my hopes. And so, I become locke down to a narrative of questioning myself.
The longing for love, the investing in relationships that go nowhere, the forbidden hope that keeps me ashamed: that is to love again, and to be in marriage again, this all seems all too much for my soul. Master of my soul, our Lord Jesus, knows the very ins and outs of my journey and remains my daily confidant.
So can I ascend the mountain, the impossible journey to reach self-worth, self-acceptance, and remain in allegiance to Our lord God. I believe yes, but the rejection from Mark remains a burden of grief for me and a part of this story of release and freedom, of which I’m waiting to mount. Fullness of me, fullness of love, fullness of hope, fullness of confidence in my decisions. It’s a place I need to arrive at, staking into that place a flag of victory into the soil of suffering, hard, cold territory that I dared to tread these 20 odd years.
3 Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place?
4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.
Lord I have a question for you…can I past your tests? What help will and are you sending me? How soon will the fiery furnace threaten to devour me? Who will come to my rescue? What grace will you give me to settle my weary, hard-working life? I await you, for I’m calling to you to answer me and tell me great and wonderful things i do not know yet about my deliverance and my salvation, my redemption and my honour.