I have been back for one and a half months. It’s taken me this long to digest all the events in Fodele. After spending 30 days away, granted I was with my youngest daughter, Bella again, for 15 days, and then my oldest daughter,Maria, came for 15 days. I was not alone, and yet I was alone. I was alone in my soul…I was alone in my story…only God and I know my story, the whole story, so this trip marked a turning point in my life.
Why a turning point? I was utterly alone in my search to belong…i was searching to be valued….I was searching, searching, searching to love myself.
This is the greatest test in life….to love oneself and not feel lost. My oh my….what a terrifying experience. In fact, to actually go somewhere on my own would be absolutely awful for me….but I think that is what I shall do. i shall go away on a short holiday on my own and see how I manage. I am so self-conscious of being judged, of what people will think of me, of how they will see me…a woman alone, at a vacation spot.
But this time in Greece was my moment. i found myself alone sometimes at the tavern, sitting and trying to be comfortable with myself while other people were in groups laughing and enjoying themselves. It wasn’t easy. That feeling of being left out of…..a group….of friend….of belonging. I remember being so uncomfortable and so sad for myself! Who I am? I would ask myself—-Who am I? What do I want? it was very confusing…
God in His mercy quickly invited me into a group of young people and I flew to the invite. I knew some of them already, but it was a chance to let loose and be me.
There is the safe me who is the person who is married and mother of 6 children. It’s the safe story, but not the true story. Then there is the other story….that I am separated, alone with 4 children (sometimes 3-depending on their moods) and not sure what my future or my status will be.
i am a professional in the field of education, I like to meet people, be involved with people, help people. I like to think healthy and be healthy and strive for health….even at this late time of my life.
I am not a professional “loner” because I have always been with a “love” and I have always had children to care for and raise in 22 years of my past life. Loner! what is that.
I discovered in Crete that I don’t want to be alone. i want to belong. I need to pour love into something. I need to care for something. And so the story began!